I Heard There Would Be Cake
“Where is the goddamn water-soluble spermicidal lubricant? ” I scream. “Water! Soluble! Spermicidal! Lubricant!” I’m shouting this while using some of her Clinique cover-up over the blemish, then combing my hair back.

-Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

This was by far one of my favorite scenes out of every single book I have ever read, and even topped favorite scenes out of movies I have seen. I was reading this whole scene while getting my nails done and I kept losing my shit. And this line. Oh this line.

slaughterhouse90210:

“Unlike some of her meaner friends, who kept warning her, she believed there was a deep good side of him and she was always patient for it. What else could she be?”—Lorrie Moore, Bark

slaughterhouse90210:

“Unlike some of her meaner friends, who kept warning her, she believed there was a deep good side of him and she was always patient for it. What else could she be?”
—Lorrie Moore, Bark

Work until you no longer have to introduce yourself.
(via shadowmysweetshadow)
brownglucose:

nextyearsgirl:

The absence of women in history is man made.

How petty

brownglucose:

nextyearsgirl:

The absence of women in history is man made.

How petty

I am a true modern lady.

Went to brunch.
Did some laundry.
Went to the driving range.
Getting a manicure.

Adulthood makes up for being extremely terrifying by being pretty cool sometimes.

I had a dream that my boss responded to an email with “I can’t say I’m all that impressed with you” and CC’d my manager, her boss, managers I meet with weekly, and blind CC’d god knows who else. I was mortified! I was pretty relieved when I woke up.

fjordism:

AARON PAUL JUST POSTED THIS ON TWITTER AND I’M SHITTING

My boyfriend use to manscape by shaving his pubes cause he thought it made his penis look bigger. It just made it look like he had cystic acne and I told him to stop.
Anonymous

holymaurymotherofgod:

after desperately creating an illusion to help him believe his penis was somehow bigger all of a sudden, what surprises me most is that he’s actually someone’s boyfriend

suluboo:

relationship tip #78: ‘babe’ and ‘baby’ are cliche and outdated. try a fun new nickname such as ‘lieutenant’ instead 

once CJ commissions I just might try this…